If Women Interpreted the Qur’an (Satire)

Commonly circulated (mis)translations of the Quran are not only inaccurate; they are also sometimes comically absurd. It must be understood that mistranslating sacred texts can go both ways. The Quran can be misinterpreted to deprive men of their rights the same way it can be misused to deprive women of theirs. If women took Quranic verses out of context, twisted their meanings, and “abrogated” certain verses the way male exegetes often do, we would be left with a very amusing set of religious jurisdictions.

It was narrated that Aisha Al-Unicorn reported that Hassan ibn Al-Mermaid stated that Karina bint El-Siren claimed that the Apostle of Allah said, “If I had to order a human to bow down to another human, I would order men to bow to their wives, due to the incredible rights that women have over their men according to scholarly jurisdiction.”

Men must be obedient to their wives. After all, they are required to provide for women, so if she wants him to do something for her, he has to. It is haram for him to refuse.

Islam greatly uplifted the status of men by saving them from ignorance and misperceptions of masculinity. Islam has rescued men from the ages of jahilliyah, when the poor things were buried alive under societal pressures.

If a man dies while his wife is pleased that he has provided for her, he will enter Heaven from whichever gate he chooses.

A man who refuses to get his wife a glass of water when she asks for it will be cursed by the angels until he pleases her, for respecting and exhibiting kindness towards women is equivalent to worshiping God according to verse 4:19.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women according to verse 4:34, so if a woman feels that her husband isn’t providing for her, she can divorce him on a whim and demand thousands of dollars in settlement. It is haram for him not to pay her.

It is haram for men to have separate bank accounts. Their wives are entitled to their money, so his accounts should all be joint.

The Quran never addresses women directly, and never prescribes specific responsibilities for women in a marriage–it exclusively addresses men and puts every burden on them. So a woman owes nothing to her husband and she can do anything she wants.

A woman has the right to forbid her husband from leaving the house without reason, since she is entitled to his emotional support. If he leaves the house without her consent, he has displeased her, been unkind to her, and violated God’s commands.

If a man strikes his wife and justifies it through deliberate misrepresentation of God’s Word, his wife has the right to cite him to the authorities and demand legal retribution, and possibly even sentence him to execution, because he has committed fasad-fil-ard and stirred up extreme fitnah/oppression/mischief throughout the land.

Female rulers must always be given precedence over male rulers, because the Quran cites the Queen of Sheba as an example of a good ruler and cites the Pharoah as an example of a bad one.

A man’s beauty is only for his wife. When outside, he must veil himself to avoid attracting non-mahram women. Otherwise women will fall on him like flies, exposing him as the uncovered lollipop he is.

Men are the most respected and honored creations, because Paradise lies at their feet! All they have to do to get into Jannah is be subservient to their wives and obey their whims.

Men are like crooked ribs. Women must not try to straighten or fix them, because if they do, men will feel insecure.

A woman may accuse her husband of adultery at any time. If the court finds him guilty, he will be sentenced to stoning to death. However, if a man accuses his wife of adultery and does not produce 4 witnesses, he will be lashed 80 times according to Surah Noor of the Quran.

A woman’s testimony ALWAYS outweighs a man’s, according to the case of zina in Surah Noor. When a man’s evidence is counted in the case of financial transactions, it is the exception, not the rule.

It must be understood that men suffer from an acute deficiency in both religion and reason (Sahih Faerie, Book 6, #627). This is why God has decreed that a woman’s testimony overrules a man’s in the case of zina. Men are simply more prone to falsely accusing women–this is their deficiency in deen. They also have a greater tendency to distort their testimony due to their innate forgetfulness–this is their deficiency in ‘aql, or reason.

Sons are the most precious of children, for they will grow up to serve their women–thus truly honoring the tradition of “reverence the wombs that bore you” (4:1).

Men must understand that their worldly status is below that of women. However, it doesn’t matter, because men and women are equal in deeds! According to verse 49:13 of the Quran, the best of mankind in the sight of God is the most righteous–the only difference is that for men, piety is attained through obedience to women.

Upon entering Jannah, female scholars and martyrs will be gifted with 72 sexy male Calvin Klein models, all of whom will be virgins. Their skin will be tan as desert sands and their eyes as black as night, and they will be clothed in jerseys of green silk. Their abs will be so sculpted that if they entered this dunya, verily, the women of this world would faint upon beholding their beauty!


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